I started reading a collection of poems recently, “Honeybee,” by Trista Mateer. A poem simply titled “Okay” goes, “I couldn’t sleep last night because I don’t know/ what you eat for breakfast anymore. I don’t know/ if you still wear my own clothes or if you threw them out/ when you threw me out/I read somewhere that it’s okay to miss people/ even if you don’t want them in your life anymore;/ and I hope that’s true. I hope everything I feel is okay.” 

I’ve been thinking about losing people, lately. Friends specifically. Time has whittled some of my old friendships down to nothing. One or both of us, have changed, and we don’t work as friends anymore. A part of me can’t stand not knowing anything about them anymore, when once we were so close. I don’t know what they like to eat, what they like to do and what they want to do with their lives anymore.

In sixth grade, I made a new friend. Since, at the time, I didn’t have many friends, it was a pretty big deal to me. She ate lunch with me and our other friends, we sat together in our shared classes whenever we could, and we talked all the time outside of school. I knew so much about her: she loved her chickens, she wanted to have a ferret, she hated playing the clarinet, she almost always wore sweatshirts and leggings, and she despised being forced to spend time with her little sister. 

When we got to eighth grade, our relationship started to change. She didn’t ever seem like she wanted to talk to me, and when she did, the conversation was strained, like I wasn’t a good enough person to be friends with her. I never really felt like I could be myself around her. 

Halfway through eighth grade, she moved. Neither of us made an effort to keep in touch with each other, and we haven’t talked in a while. Although, at the time, I felt extremely guilty about it, I was relieved when we lost contact. I still wonder how she is and what she’s doing. I also miss the easy conversations we used to have. 

Reading the poem, “Okay” really struck something within me. Although the original poem was talking about a romantic relationship, I can see it in a lot of my friendships over the years. My childhood friends and I don’t really fit into each other’s lives anymore. I don’t talk to most of my past friends. I haven’t been to my former best friend’s house in years. I’m trying to learn to be okay with not knowing anything about these people who I used to love while still accepting that it’s okay to still miss them.