What is happiness? It’s something I daydream about: he thought of truly being happy. But what does that mean? Does it mean you don’t cry or that you’re never sad or angry? Does it mean that you find the positive in everything that you do, or that you go to bed every night smiling excited to wake up the next day? I think I know what it feels like though. Feeling like absolutely nothing could go wrong, Feeling happy and content with everything and everyone around you and ultimately being truly grateful for everything in your life.
Like when I think about my childhood, growing up on the river, playing in the forts and always being outside. Never worrying about what I look like,not thinking about anything else but what game we were playing.I think about how happy I was then and I can’t help but think maybe I was that happy just because I was a kid and I had no responsibilities or things and people to worry about.
Or when I think about this past swim season where I got really close with a lot of amazing people and fell in love with my sport again. As long as I can remember, I have had a love-hate relationship with swimming. It’s been such a big part of my life for so long, but sometimes it starts feeling repetitive and more like a chore and I become so hard on myself that it becomes mentally and physically exhausting. But over time and especially after this past season, I realize it makes me feel good. I like pushing myself as hard as I can and feeling the relief after a hard practice. I love being on a team and having fun in malls, buses and hotels. When I think about that season i find myself feeling happy but also sad and uncertain because now that it’s over I realize all the happiness i was feeling during swim season was temporary.
Just the thought of being in Michigan makes me feel full. It’s where to go to heal. But I also know that it brings a lot of pain to my dad. Everytime we are driving away his eyes fill with tears and he says “you never know when the last trip will be.” And then all the sudden I feel so guilty for finding such clarity in a place that brings my favorite person such pain. This year it was different. Almost everything changed and it felt more traumatic than anything.The place that used to bring
such joy is now a place I dread going back to. Now after everything has changed I fear that I will never find the same joy and peace there that I once did. Now that I’m getting older and so is everyone else, maybe the next trip will truly be our last trip.
So what does that mean? Does it mean that all happiness is temporary? Does it mean we spend our whole lives chasing something that isn’t real? I believe that happiness looks different for everyone. Some people are happy when they learn or when they buy designer things. Others are happy in the woods and exploring the world. Some people are happiest right where they are in their small town by the river with their nine to five. I wonder if they had to search for what made them happy or if they just knew. How do you know when you are truly happy though? Does something just click in your brain and just like that. But at the same time I believe that I am a happy person. I just don’t fully understand what happiness is yet.
