I am a PK; a pastor’s kid. Since I was young, I have struggled with my religion. Of course, I grew up going to church every Sunday. I would memorize bible verses and pray every night, but how could I be exclusively devoted to a Christian God when this religion is the only one I’ve ever known?

When I was little, I enjoyed going to church. Sunday school was one of my favorite parts of the week; I loved having snacks in the morning and getting to hang out with all of my friends. I didn’t even see church as very religious, but, as a pastor’s kid, I always lived under certain expectations. I had to know the bible the best, go to every church event and always present myself as “holy.”  When I was young, it was very easy to meet that expectation, but as I grew older it became more and more challenging. It felt so unfair to have to go to church for a meeting or a bible study on a Wednesday evening when all I wanted to do was be with my friends. I was always being dragged off to church.

Even though it seemed great as a kid, there were plenty of downsides to being a pastor’s kid. My dad has often had to work two jobs, and we had to rely on food banks to get groceries. When I reached seventh grade, we moved to Salida to hopefully have a more steady income, but Covid-19  happened after just two years of living here, which drastically affected the church.  It seemed like the whole world was crashing down. The church was losing members and finances were constantly tight. If there really was a God then why would he let this happen to us. Why would God let us suffer?

I constantly felt lost during those years. I stopped believing in God and turned to other religions, but nothing felt quite right. Everything felt so scary, but at least I was making my own choice and taking control of my life. I felt proud of myself for taking action and living my own life. As time went on though, I realized that I hated being so lost. I started turning back to the bible, and reading it every night has become one of my favorite hobbies.

Even though looking back I feel a little foolish for exploring my connection to my father’s  religion, I am not ashamed of it. It was a time where I was able to discover who I am. I believe that my religion is a true extension of myself now and not just something that was chosen for me from birth. I am more happy every single day because I was able to find myself.