In the memoir I’m Glad My Mom Died by Jennette McCurdy, the readers view McCurdy’s heartbreaking life journey as she endures a poor upbringing and supports her broken family by performing on television involuntarily to please her erratic and manipulative mother. The language and tone she uses throughout her writing strike a nerve in the reader and give a feeling of sorrow and revolt. Her story is so impactful as it dives deeply into topics of anorexia, beauty standards, unhealthy relationships, religion, substance abuse and grief while also depicting them in such a real and clear image. The traumas and pain McCurdy talks about in her book are those that many who are struggling can relate to and find comfort and strength in. She talks about these memories like she was an innocent child just observing and processing them, with refreshing candor and dark humor.
She begins her memoir when her mother introduces her to acting at the age of six. She lives in Garden “Garbage” Grove, California in a Mormon house with her mother, father, grandparents, and three brothers. Her mom’s a hoarder and litters the house with clutter, so the children sleep on exercise mats on the floor since their room is full of stuff. Her mother was diagnosed with cancer when Jennette was two and has left the family on edge since. Her household feels like a held breath, and Jennette must coast through her days aware of her mother’s triggers and emotional state and ready to adjust. Debra, her mother, is her entire world and identity. Jenny was raised as Debra’s little girl, confined to whatever fate her mom saw fit. By throwing her into the entertainment industry, Debra was living her dream vicariously through Jennette of being famous. She pushed her unhealthy habits and sick mentality onto Jennette by teaching her calorie restriction, endorsing and encouraging her anorexia to “ensure” her success as a young Hollywood actress.
She never wanted to pursue acting, but she did want to make her mom happy. Every time Jenny tried to bring her unhappiness up, her mother would sob and guilt trip her until she retracted her statement. So she did as she was told and always tried to be a “good sport.” She behaved well for auditions as she grew in attraction and higher roles with her mom following her every step of the way. Debra witnessed the beginning of Jennette’s OCD, developing compulsions that would come like a subconscious voice in her head that she believed to be the Holy Ghost. Despite concerns from others in her life, Debra ignored Jennette’s mounting mental health issues.
It was unnerving to read the snippets of buried trauma as she wrote them in a vivid perspective of her naive younger self. Jennette was dictated by her mother’s wants, needs and approval from a very young age. She rarely ever took her own wants and needs into consideration; she only focused on her mother’s. Throughout her life, she built the narrative that her mother knows what’s best for her to mask her buried memories of acknowledgment through her abuse. Her mother showered her until she was sixteen, sometimes with her older brothers. In one of the hardest chapters for Jennette to write, she talks about how her mother would give them “private part exams” to make sure there wasn’t any possibility of cancer. This was petrifying and incredibly uncomfortable, and Jenny describes her disassociation during this as going off to “Fantasyland”. Her mother also had a grip on every aspect of her appearance, relationships and hobbies. Growing up with her brothers, she never identified with the feminine aesthetic, but her mother forced her into all kinds of synthetic methods of enhancing her “natural beauty” and girlish appearance, which contributed to her eating disorders. I feel like younger generations relate to these tendencies in parenting and how they shape adults and their gender expression. I hope that future caretakers and parents acknowledge how restrictive and dichotomous parenting leads to the loss of an entire portion of life and self-discovery.
It’s when Debra’s cancer flares up again that Jennette’s career extends from her role as Sam Puckett on show ICarly to her show with co-star Ariana Grande Sam and Cat, (originally promised to be her show called Just Pucket). Her distance from her mother plus the new pressure from her new job causes her to spiral into coping methods behind her back such as bulimia, alcohol abuse and unhealthy relationships. When her mother finds out about her lies, she riddles Jennete with guilt, insults and shame for her body choices. She makes posts saying she doesn’t deserve her fame and sends endless emails saying that Jennette caused her cancer to come back and she will never forgive her. Her mother dies while in hospice care, and it feels like more hurtful truth comes out than healing at first. Jennette finds out her dad isn’t her biological father and begins her journey through therapy to treat her eating disorders, substance abuse and grief. Her story is truly riveting and inspiring, and my favorite quote from the book would have to be the point where she realizes her growth.
“Recovery so far is, in some ways, as difficult as the bulimic/alcohol-ridden years, but difficult in a different way because I’m facing my issues for the first time instead of buying them with eating disorders and substances. I’m processing not only the grief of my mom’s death, but the grief of my childhood, adolescence, and young adulthood that I feel I had never truly been able to live for myself. It’s difficult, but the difficulty I have pride in.”
