As a girl with three brothers, I always thought it would be like the movies. Like they would be overprotective and if a guy was mean to me they would beat him up. Of course, this is targeted towards my older brothers, Mason and Noah. Mason is the oldest, turning 21 this year, and Noah is the second oldest, turning 18. I am turning 16 this year, and I am still making sense of our bonds with each other. I’m trying to wrap my head around how much everything has changed between us as we grow older and get to know each other better.
As Mason and I grew up together, I realized it truly wasn’t like the brothers and sisters that I saw on the street who would laugh together and mess around like they were best friends. Yes, we did those things, but it wasn’t the same. When we were doing those things, it would often be while he was high and around people who changed how he acted towards me.
That was the beginning of when our relationship started to change; he chose drugs rather than his family’s love. This might sound harsh, but it’s the truth. Mason is still doing drugs, and I am still wondering why. I remember being so excited to finally be in the same school together (highschool), but that same year he stopped staying with my mom and moved in with my grandma. I tried not to take this personally, but for some reason, I did anyway. My mom thought moving in with her mom would give him a new environment for a fresh start. This ended up not working, and he then moved in with my dad.
I’m not trying to make our love for one another sound all bad. We had our moments. Like when I visited him at my grandma’s, and we stayed up all night watching funny videos on Youtube. That night was one of the best nights with him because of the giggles that filled the room and the way I felt so close to him after not seeing each other for so long.
I also love it when we text on Snapchat, not about what’s going on in our lives, but about simple funny little TikToks he has found. I try to hold on to all of our good memories as hard as I can, so that the bad ones don’t dominate my mind. My mom always notices this when we are talking about what he has done, because for some reason I always feel like I need to defend him.
Our relationship has made my life full of self-doubt hidden in empathy. My self-doubt makes sure that I won’t lose anyone if I am the one person who stays by their side and backs them no matter what. Even when I don’t agree with the ways that I am supporting them. As my dad says, I have a Valdez heart; one that loves with everything in it.
