See, I have never been comfortable in my body, unless we count when I was younger and the whole world felt like it revolved around me. I remember my dad giving me lectures that no matter what happens in life, I should always keep in mind that what’s most important about a person is on the inside and not the outside. Nowadays when I hear that, I just find it cringy. But when I was younger, I would internalize my fathers words, hoping I would never forget what it feels like to be pretty and know it. I never understood how people could feel insecure, it just didn’t make sense to me. I would go to the swimming pool and think the lifeguards wanted to be my boyfriend. I would walk into Walmart and think everyone was looking at my gorgeous eyes and style. I was a crazy six year old who had an undefeatable confidence in myself. I would look into the mirror and see a breathtaking person; I would look into my eyes and believe everyone wanted me.

Now, I look into the mirror and manage to find every pore and hair on my face. I focus on how my hair looks and why it can’t just look the way I want it to. I look at my teeth and yell at myself for not taking care of them like I should have when I had braces. I look at the big nose that I got from my dad and wonder why he had to give it to me. I look at my stomach and tell myself that I just have a bad metabolism. I sit for hours picking at all my imperfections before giving up and pretending that I can accept how I look. I tell myself that comparison is the thief of joy and to instead find all the things I love about myself. The list of things I love about myself always seems to be shorter and take longer to come up with. I don’t know what happened to the self love that younger me had. I know she would be sad to see me judging her as hard as I judge myself. 

But she didn’t have social media like I do. She didn’t see 100 perfect looking girls everyday while not being able to stop looking. I know social media is bad for your mental health and is one easy button to delete it, but that’s not the problem. The problem is the fact that I live in the same world as these girls that I see online. I wonder what they did in their past lives to get so perfectly blessed. What did I do that made me the way I am? What did I do to deserve this punishment? If I could go back to my six year old self, I would tell her to never download Instagram, Snapchat, or TikTok. I know I’m beautiful and I was careless to let go of that knowledge. I struggle with knowing a flower and the moon are both beautiful even when they look completely different. Just like I am compared to these girls.

I know my big cheeks are just as beautiful as someone with small cheeks. My smile is incredible even with the stains I have. My skin is lovely even with my acne. 

Even on days where my sense of self love goes away, I focus on my six year old self. I imagine people saying the same things I say about myself to her, and I think about how she doesn’t deserve to hear such mean things. Even though I don’t feel comfortable in my body on most days, I just remember the joy and love I felt when looking at myself in the mirror years ago. She and I share the same face and I should be proud to even have the same eyebrows as her.