Last January I went through a friendship breakup. Sure, I was in the wrong, but so were they. I beat myself up about it for ten months and then in October I realized that I can’t change what happened, but I can change my behavior going forward. 

I suppose if someone doesn’t like you they will find a reason to leave. That’s what I told myself and I guess it worked to get me through that time of my life. But even if I was the lesser of two bad parties, my actions were still wrong and I realized that as soon as I did them. 

You can’t change the past, I tell myself. Though I wish I could, and I wish I could go back in time and trip myself down the stairs so I’d be in the hospital instead of at that lunch table saying the things I did. And though they were technically justified, nothing justifies talking about what someone does to make you annoyed when they aren’t there (which they should have kept in mind when going about their next actions.) 

Ever since January, any time someone gossips near me or with me I feel sick with worry that they are going to take my words and warp them, even if all I did was say neutral things about the person. That they are going to take the conversation we had and portray themselves as the person who did nothing wrong when they were talking with me. 

Now I don’t like to talk about people unless it’s kind or if the person is in the room. Which I guess is a step in the right direction and it’s good I took that experience and took something from it, but sometimes I still feel like I am a terrible person. 

I know that while I did do something wrong, I was just fourteen. I know that while I did do something wrong, I learned from my mistakes and did my best to fix my behavior going forward. While I am not perfect, I am far kinder than I used to be.