During spring break of eighth grade, I began a writing program that would help me publish my first book. I felt little pressure to write a big book because it was my first one. I felt little pressure from other interests because I was writing it mainly over the summer. In September of 2023, my novel Artemis was published. 

I thought that because of how smoothly my first book had gone, it would be a breeze to write my second one. And besides, when the program began in September of my sophomore year I had already written 11,000 or so words to contribute to my overall word count. I didn’t think it would be a difficult process to get to my goal of 60,000 words by February. 

The thing was, my word goal for Artemis, my first book, had been just 40,000 and though I had written 15,000 more words than that in the end, the pressure with that kind of small word count just wasn’t there. This increased goal along with my increasingly more difficult studies and my more involved role in the Tenderfoot Times made me somehow paralyzed when I looked at my document.

I felt constant guilt that I wasn’t good enough because I hadn’t been writing consistently and every time I looked at my word tracker I drew more into some pit of despair as I fell more and more behind my goals. As NaNoWriMo, or National November Writing Month appeared, I decided I would write 40,000 words at that time. It would take pressure off my novel for finals season and I would finally feel a sense of accomplishment. After all, I had done it the year before! However, my teachers seemed to all band together, and I felt like I was drowning in what seemed like the peak of the semester’s coursework, so I hardly hit 30,000. 

I planned to write during Thanksgiving break, but of course as if to spite myself, I didn’t. I told myself I’d reach at least 45,000 words during winter break but I rang in the new year with 41,000.

I wasn’t really writing anything anymore. Every time my mom would ask how my writing was coming, or comment on the fact that despite spending all this money on the program it seemed like I was wasting my money by not writing. It made me so uninspired from what seemed like pure ridiculous, self sabotaging rebelliousness that I fell behind my word goal even more so.

Then, I went to one of my weekly meetings with my group in mid-January and realized that although I had always had the highest word count out of everyone, a girl in my group had surpassed me by maybe 100 words. I never had described myself as competitive but in less than a week I wrote more than I had all December. 

I don’t know why I constantly feared my document. I knew exactly where the plot had to go and I thought about it as I fell asleep, but applying that thinking seemed to be the final straw in my already overwhelmed schedule to break the camel that was my mind’s back. 

If you ever find yourself without motivation to do things that on some level you want to do, stop putting it off. If that doesn’t work, find some exterior motivation. Get a friend with the same hobby as you that you like slightly less than yourself so you feel good when you beat them.