I tell my mom I love her every night without fail. Even if it’s just over text or if I’m mad at her. Especially when I’m mad at her. It’s become our ritual. I tell her, “Goodnight, love you,” every night before I go to my room. It’s the same reason I kiss my dog before I leave to go anywhere, even if it’s just to the store. I don’t want them to die without knowing that I love them. I don’t know where this fear started, there is nothing to give me the impression that my mom or my dog is going to die. They are both perfectly healthy, it’s just always been something that lingers on my mind, even in the most normal moments. 

I know that it is irrational. Of course, they’re not going to die thinking that, but it still worries me. I don’t want my mom to die with our last words being a fight or me being upset with her, and I don’t want my dog to die without knowing how much I loved her. For a while, I believed that she was going to have a health crisis and that I wouldn’t have given her the love that she deserved. I felt weighed down every time I saw them. All of my interactions were tainted by the fear that I would do something wrong and it would be the last thing they thought of. 

I’ve had anxiety since before I can remember, but as a kid, I never had a name for what I was feeling. I used to feel like there was something wrong with me, no one around me seemed to 

worry like I did. I felt so alone and confused. I would worry about my parents not coming home, and they seemed to worry about when they could next see their friends. I was 14 when I finally found a name for how I felt: generalized anxiety disorder. I found ways to cope with all the different ways I felt. 

These worries constantly weigh on me, but they also help motivate me to live with more intention. I make a point to express my love to everyone, they aren’t mind readers so telling them makes sure that they know how special they are to me. I try to play in a way that my dog likes, not just how I want to, and I make sure to give her extra love to make up for when I’m away. I always tell my mom I love her. Even though thoughts of death can be hard, it reminds me to make sure I express my love and care while I still can.